“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.