*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
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You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: