i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
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I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My boss called in sick of me
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.