me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
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Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office