The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
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don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore