Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
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Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
That’s enough internet for the day
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
me irl
The Compass
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what