Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
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My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Weirdly Wednesday.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*