(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My brain is a bad influence on me
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*