Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
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JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus