me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
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If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’m not wrong
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.