Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
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Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.