Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
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Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Awwwww shit.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Google Pay be like:
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?