*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
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[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
socratic questions
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.