You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
You Might Also Like
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19