I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
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Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Thoughts
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Every haunted house movie:
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake: