My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
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What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Are you ok, human???
my astrological sign is a french fry
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.