[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
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[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.