What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
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Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Awesome parenting 😂
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
These are my emotional support Pringles.
he was correct
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”