If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
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Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Has there ever been a more American story?
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
incredible text to wake up to
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday