Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
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Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
these two trucks have the same bed length
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
What a website