*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still