Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
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Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*Inspirational Tweets*
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.