all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear