*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
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[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Stop.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.