Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
This probably isn’t good
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)