Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds