I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
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The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.