My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
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Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
The Punning Dead.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone