Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
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Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats