I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
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If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it