Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
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Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me