Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
You Might Also Like
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Taliband
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Monday Lisa
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Otters see a butterfly.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.