sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
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*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me: