“just sayin” who asked you though?
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I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The three genders.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Basically.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.