So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
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Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*