(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
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guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
every single time
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
This is my bus stop.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?