Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
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Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.