I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
no refunds
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
thank god the sign was there
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.