there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
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“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.