This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
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Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.