Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
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Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I never know how much to tip a cow.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
broke down and did it
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.