Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
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Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Camping tip: No.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about