I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
You Might Also Like
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
asked my bf how work was today
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today