buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
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Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.