Meowchelangelo
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If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Mornin. * use accordingly
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
channeling her this year
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
*ernest hemingway voice*