Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’