I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
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Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.