Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
You Might Also Like
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox