Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
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It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Bit chilly again tonight.
My husband asked if I had a new year鈥檚 resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it鈥檚 tomorrow morning! Don鈥檛 be late!
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 馃槀馃槀
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.