Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
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[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us